Gisele Dookies

I am currently doing a draft for a fantasy football league. This is very funny because

A) I don’t even know the rules of football or the team positions other than QB and Tight End and I only know that because it sounds gay, not what he actually does and

B) I don’t care to know. I have been dragged to three college football games in my life. During the first I saw a grown man (50!) sob honest-to-God tears because Notre Dame lost, at the second some guy audibly called me a dumb bitch because I was taking photos like I was visiting Machu Pichu, and at the third it was so cold I spent halftime in the toilets with my hands under the dryers trying to warm up. But football reminds me of Tom Brady who reminds me of Gisele, and I have a chapter in the book called “Everybody Poops—Even Gisele Bundchen.” (I tried to find an image of her looking constipated for this post, but she looks fucking stunning in every single image of her online, so I settled for her bare butt. Also stunning. Damn you Gazelle!)

Anyway, do you ever wonder what her and Tom Brady talk about? What with his concussion football brain and her being foreign, it must be kind of strained over the dinner table. Brady/Bundchen dinner, imagined:

“Honey what did you do today?”(Tom)

“Oh, I had a shoot with Steve Meisel and Naomi who is of course still a total bitch and she is bald now too, anyvays there was tuna salad for lunch GROSS who eats tuna, they are overfished and I care about the world so much don’t you? I don’t think we should use diapers for bebe, I think we should use brown paper and how do you say, strings? Hey did you know the French eat horse meat, how COULD they! I cry.  Anyvays vat did you do honey?

“Duh….I dislocated my shoulder and someone kicked me in the nuts. FUCK THE FUCKING COLTS. I have a headache. So tired, Doc said not to let me sleep though.”

“Oh.”

“Oh.”

“Let’s go look in the mirror naked for a while.”

“YES.”